I'm not straight

I've moved to another country and I am meeting lots of wonderful new people. During the various getting-to-know-you conversations, I've noticed that there are a few questions people usually ask when they find out I'm bisexual/queer. Today I had a realization about one of these questions, and I'd like to share it to clear some things up.
"If you've never slept with/dated a woman, how do you know you're bi?" Ah, the technicalities. I guess it's not enough to say that I'm physically attracted to women or I've been romantically interested in one, cause apparently that's not concrete enough. I was feeling frustrated until my brain came up with this response: "how did you know you were straight before you slept with a member of the opposite sex?"
Really, it's that simple. It just is. Like you innately knew, I innately know. I realize that some people can't relate to feeling this way about the same sex or more that one sex, but ya gotta just use your imagination for heaven's sake.
I want somebody to love, and that person could be a woman. I'd like that. I like boobs. Boobs are great. And on that note, dear internet, I am off on a date with a man. Cause I like all genders equally. They also ask that one a lot. Good night!

Exotic tunes

I've discovered that I have a thing for music that at least partially isn't in English, due to my fascination with different languages. I've decided to share some of my favorites in this category with my dear internet.
En Français:
Alt-J is so great at being not in the box, and many of their songs contain phrases in French, including Matilda, Nara, and Hunger of the Pine. I'm very grateful for their reminder that I love the French language, especially when it's sung.
Tilted by Christine and the Queens is my most recent obsession, thanks to my musically hip Tia. I totally adore the rap-esque bridge and her wondrous dance moves. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RBzsjga73s
I discovered La Chanson de Mardi Gras by the Irish choir Anuna featuring, ahem, Andrew Hozier-Byrne quite a while ago when I was scouring the internet for all his pre-solo career material. The song is ancient and ethereal, not so mainstream, but worth a listen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqabVDNrhlY
Reflektor by Arcade Fire: Yaaaaaaaasss! That is all. 
As Gaeilge (in Irish):
I don't know why this language keeps appearing in my life, but apparently Ireland and I are destined to be together. I think my great-grandmother was Irish...?
I came across this group while stalking random people on facebook. Basically it's a program for young Irish people to learn their native language, which has been going extinct. Here is Blurred Lines in a very weird, lovable form. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF1YSM7fxwI
The Raid is another ancient installment by Anuna featuring Hozier. Mystical and magical, need I say more? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0yfAlQogak
Casadh an Tsugain by Michael Brook is from the movie Brooklyn, starring my future wife, Saoirse Ronan. Great movie, very moving scene with a beautiful song.
Everywhere else:
The Hindi version of Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire gives me so much life and joy and dancing.
Hal by Yasmine Hamdan from Only Lovers Left Alive starring my other (too old) future wife Tilda Swinton, and ex-husband Tom Hiddleston (cheater) has a wonderfully haunting sound. Ten points to Team Arabic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCvNiwv1AGY
I have my brother to thank for my stumbling across Vor i Vaglaskogi by Kaleo. Icelandic is absolutely mesmerizing! Of Monsters and Men, please take note.
Two very happy things collide in My Girl (Te Amo) by NOTA: a capella and Español. Amazing version of a very cute song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fAIU50d_z4
Dela By Johnny Clegg and Savuka is one we'll all fondly remember from George and the Jungle. Adorable, dance-able taste of Africa.
And lastly, a nerdy indulgence: Evenstar, from The Two Towers soundtrack, aka Aragorn and Arwen's theme. Props to Tolkien for inventing multiple languages for Middle Earth, including the Sindarin dialect of Elvish, heard here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im5CIpMFo4Q
Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed at least some of them!

Labels

Alright, so I need to talk about a mildly controversial thing. In the land of unconventional sexuality, it is expected that an individual choose to identify with a certain term for their orientation. "Are you a lesbian? Or are you bi?" I have no issue with all of these terms, but I've become aware of their lack of importance in people's lives.
When I was in the process of discovering and accepting my own sexuality, I was confused because I had always been attracted to men, but it seemed I was also attracted to women. I wasn't a lesbian, because lesbians only like women, but I wasn't straight. I was something else, and after some research on the internet I determined that I was bisexual. It made sense, and I was able to focus my energy on accepting who I was.
Fast forward to this last year, and I am spending a lot of time exploring the different places on the spectrum of sexual and gender possibility. I encounter Io Tillett Wright, a person with two x chromosomes who identifies as a man and loves women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PhEppdwArA (hands down would marry in a heartbeat). I encounter a phenomenon called pansexuality: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv5k9w6Hpi4 (Laci, I will write a Why I Love post about you, I promise). I begin to think that maybe pansexuality describes my attractions better, since I am attracted to butch girls, feminine girls, feminine men, masculine men, trangender people, genderqueer people, and the list goes on. Technically, bisexual means attraction to men and women, and that only covers part of my situation. So am I pansexual? Probably.
At this point, I don't really care about my personal "label." If I had to choose one, I would go with queer, because it's open-ended and I'm rather a fan of reclaiming a negative term, but if you tell someone you're queer, they interrogate you about what exactly you're into. Men? Women? Are you talking about your gender? I met someone at the pride parade who told me she didn't use a label to describe her sexuality, and I decided that at the end of the day, I think all that matters is that we are free to love who we want. I love being unconventional, and I think people are beautiful. Let's all just stop making a fuss about it, ok?

Why I Love: Jenna Mourey

I was introduced to Jenna Mourey/Marbles in high school by a close friend, and at the time I wasn't very open minded. Her videos' content would have been viewed as extremely inappropriate by my parents, so I didn't find her to be funny at all, though my friend clearly did. I'm sad to say that I was appalled by her swearing and sexual innuendos.
Fast forward a few years, and I am discovering youtube and what it has to offer to me as I try to escape my sheltered childhood. I remember Jenna and decide to look her up. In the next year, I spent a large chunk of my free time laughing at her antics and expanding my knowledge of life outside my box. I learned many wonderful things, like how people enjoy having sex, and how life goes on if you use the word "fuck." These may not seem like significant revelations, but to Jay a few years ago, they meant the world, and her brand of humor was exactly what I needed to help me through my depression that year.
Another thing I adore about Jenna is that she is the weirdest of weird, and displays this to the entire world. Exhibits A https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swsEvb2yytU and B https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1QOAd6o0C0 should demonstrate that quite adequately, and there are many more where those came from. I certainly haven't enjoyed all of her videos, but she is so incredibly authentic in her unique Jenna way, and as someone who has been made to feel ashamed about my weirdness in the past, I will always be inspired by her willingness to put it all out there and make people laugh. I know that I'm not the only one to be grateful for her "internet friendship."
Jenna Mourey, this is why I love you.
Another one for the road: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tifYM5WFyhA

The gayest time of my life

By gay, I do mean happy, but I also mean super queer, men in heels, rainbows everywhere G-A-Y. You guessed it: yesterday was San Diego Pride. I went in feeling excited, but not nearly excited enough. I had a glorious, wonderful day full of new experiences and people. Here are a few of the highlights for your reading pleasure.
Happy gay thing number one: everyone was like me! Well, obviously there were a lot of straight allies there as well, but everyone accepted me, and they didn't bat an eye at the mostly naked men shaking what their mamas gave them or the same-sex couples kissing everywhere. They were all truly my people, and I felt like I belonged. So many of them shared their own journeys with me and welcomed me with crazy, sometimes drunken, love. It was very emotional, and I cried tears of joy. 
Happy gay thing number two: GIRLS. I went to my first women's bar, and kissed my first girls (and yeah, I liked it). I danced for hours with a bunch of women who love women, and I couldn't believe how free I felt, since the dancing was mostly sexy sexual grinding. I felt out of place at first, but then I told myself, hell yeah. This is me, this is Jay with a drink in her hand and a cute girl getting all up on her on the dance floor. It isn't something I'd do often, but hey, that girl asked for my number, and I really liked her. Even if nothing comes of it, I am so glad I let go last night, and did what I wanted.
Happy gay thing number three: It will only get better for me as I put the B in LGBTQ+. I feel so safe being myself here, and I know there are so many more Pride events to come. I am a part of a family I never knew, and now that I have met them, my elation and gratitude are overflowing.
I am proud to be a bisexual woman.

Why I Love: Emma Watson

I think that when most people think of Emma Watson, they think "hot," "Harry Potter," and perhaps "talented actress." Hermione is wonderful, and, yes, Emma is gorgeous and gifted, but she has done so much good for the world in the last few years, and I think some people still mostly see her as a sex symbol. I would like to remind them that her speech at the UN for her He for She campaign was mind blowing (here's the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkjW9PZBRfk, if you had forgotten) and her dedication to creating change for women is so inspiring to me. Her social media feed is packed with positivity and drive for global development, so give the lady a follow!

Most recently, Emma has started an online feminist book club, full of memoirs and fiction, new and old tales about making it in this world as a woman. Check it out here: https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/179584-emma-s-book-club---our-shared-shelf. Literature is even more alluring when paired with equality, empowerment, and Emma. I love how she is inspiring people from all walks of life to delve into the infinite world of words, and encouraging many minds to open to possibility. I hope that someday my own novel will end up in her hands. 
Most importantly, Emma spreads awareness of awful things happening to people that we in the sheltered Western world sometimes don't hear about, or maybe choose to ignore. I have always felt the need to help people in third world countries, and people in my own country who struggle, but I have never known how to go about it on a larger scale. Emma has access to a larger scale: us! She has a powerful position in the world as a celebrity, so she speaks eloquently and opens our eyes to a world we can make better.
Emma Watson, this is why I love you.

Series: Why I Love

Hey internet. I have arrived in California, and I am overjoyed. All the stress I was feeling is mostly gone, and I am so excited to be in this gorgeous place so close to the ocean. Now that the freaking out  is over, I am ready to start a new chapter in my blog! (I also have a new phone named Lakshmi.)
Okay, so all bloggers have to have a thing, right? A unique topic type thing. I plan on continuing with my random blurb deal, as I rather enjoy it, but I have also thought of a series of sorts to write regularly ish. I call it Why I Love, and basically I'm going to talk about why I love different celebrities.
I'm not into the whole celebrity gossip fascination, as it is very judgmental and negative, so I am going to say nice things about famous people. Only ones that deserve it, though, there will be no Kardashian endorsement or shallow fangirling over attractive people. The people I'll be writing about have inspired me and made the world a better place. They have used their fame to do great things, and I love them for it. Stay tuned!
Sending lots of California waves of golden sunshine,
Jay

(Kind of) agnostic

I haven't been to church in years, and each day I think I grow more and more free. Spiritual exploration has been wonderful for me, though I've come to few conclusions about what I now believe, and I'm satisfied with what I feel I can say for certain.  

Firstly, I have realized that, in this lifetime, I will never have definitive knowledge of what does or does not exist in this universe. I will never know if there are deities or spirits, or an energy source that unites all living things. I would certainly like to know, but I'm human and part of that condition is to be in the dark, and simply believe in what I feel is true. 

Because we can never know if what we see is all that exists, I think that atheism, secularism, and humanism are the most logical belief systems. That being said, I don't think I will ever stop playing with different ideas and religions and possibilities in my mind. It's in my personal nature to seek spiritual understanding and connection, and regardless of what is real and true, I will maintain belief in what brings me comfort. I believe that I am more than flesh and atoms and chromosomes, and I believe that there is something sacred and powerful out there that I hope I will come to know one day, in another life. 

When people ask what my religious beliefs are, I say that I am agnostic, that I don't know. It's true, but it's not the whole picture. It's a massive painting for me, and I will keep painting it until the end of my days. 

A rejected belief

Since I left Christianity, I have read up on many belief systems that I have found interesting, including Hinduism, Wicca, and atheism. Up until recently I thought I had covered all my bases, but then I remembered that I had never considered researching Islam. I suppose I had reason not to explore it, since I knew it was similar to Christianity (monotheistic, oppressive, and then there's ISIS), but the thing is, I am fascinated with Judaism. God with no son! How does that work? But then isn't Islam like that? Jesus isn't their savior, but they all have the same god.   

So, after a marvellous discussion about the three faiths with a close friend, I downloaded The Holy Quran app and have read a small portion each day since. It has been riveting, though I wish I could read the Arabic text to see what was lost in translation. So much has probably been lost in the translation of the Torah and the Bible over the years. Such widespread belief of ancient texts, and no original copies, silly religious culture. 

The Quran has a strongly Biblical tone. Same god, same prophets, same promise of heaven and hell. It's so freeing to read a text that no one in my life follows, that few people from my background likely have read. I don't believe any of it to be true, but strangely, it has struck me as being holy, somehow. I suppose all religious texts are, because that is what people believe them to be. We create what gives us comfort, and build our lives upon it.

A certain assumption

Recently, it has become apparent to me that I am expected, on some level, to have children. My parents have referenced their future grandchildren, and various women in my life keep saying things like, "just wait til you have children." Not if, when.
When I was little, I always thought I'd be a mom and have all these children to look after, so I never imagined having a career. In my mind, future Jay was a stay-at-home mom, and very happy. And then I started babysitting for various families, and it was not my cup of tea. Children are terrors til they get to be eight or nine, I have discovered. I love spending time with my younger cousins, but being solely responsible for a child for eighteen years is a terrifying and less than ideal situation for myself, I have decided.
But the thing is, people will keep making the assumption. I just refuted one woman's comment over dinner, and things got very quiet afterwards. It's not an entirely welcome concept to most people, I feel. What does a woman do without children? Well, I'm going to keep taking my birth control pills (or pregnancy repellent, as I call them) and do whatever the hell I want to do with my life. If future Jay wants a baby, she can go for it. But present Jay is saying no to motherhood and being vocal about it. Because feminism. So there.

The end again

Hundreds of people died in an earthquake in Ecuador the other day. I never liked hearing about those events on the news. They are all dead and we are vaguely sad in our safer corners of the world. It got me thinking, as things do. I thought to myself, self, why is it more sad when people die in bulk? People are dying around the world every second, but I don't hear about them, so I don't mourn them. Their deaths may be tragic, unthinkable, but they don't make global news because it's just one person. One little girl dying of cancer. Children split up and put into foster care when their single mother dies of a drug overdose. We know these things happen, but we are never given these people's names or stories. 

We hear about murder, which is a pretty bad way to go, but it makes sense that those deaths would make the news. Murder means someone is at fault. We want to see the killer brought to justice. When there is no killer, there is no justice. Some people find a spiritual explanation, but I have none. People live, and thrive, then age, then die. Sometimes they skip the middle steps. Some lives are short, too short, but nothing can be done. Anyone can die. 

When people die all at once, I'll hear about it and I will say goodbye in my own way, though I didn't know them. I think I should start saying a daily universal goodbye to the newly dead, to be fair. The world will miss them too.

The end

Death is a part of life, and I haven't had as much experience with it as most people. My friend Molly (name changed for anonymity) has had her dad, her older brother, and her cousin die within the last ten years. She hasn't lived near me very much, so I haven't been able to comfort her after a death in any way other than social media posts. I'm visiting her now, and she and her mom talk about their absent family often. I feel as if I've been spending time with the whole family, not just the ones who are physically present. It's a very special feeling, and it makes me sad.
I was brought up with the belief of heaven, a place where you will never cry again, a place where a perfect God resides. As a child, I was disturbed by the idea that this place would never end, that a perfect afterlife version of myself would live in this happy world forever. No end to me, and certainly no end to that God.
Nowadays I don't follow that God; I'm not sure who I follow, and I've been confronting a fear of death since I became heathen and freethinking. If I don't go to heaven, do I end? If I don't go to heaven, do I burn in the hell of some condemning God? If I don't go to heaven, do I come back to Earth, or begin another life elsewhere? I don't want to end, or burn, or come back. I want to go somewhere else. Another life in another place, but what are the chances?
Realistically, I believe that human beings gone are gone in spirit from the entire cosmos. It doesn't make sense for us to go on, but I want to. This desire probably stems from a lack of fulfilment in my life so far. I am chasing the life I want to live, the life I live in my mind. Maybe when I find it, I'll be alright with being gone when I die. It's not rational to be afraid of what will happen after my death, but I think it is rational to fear that I'll die before I accomplish what I hope to, and make my mark on the world.
Lately, I've been looking at all the photos in this house of men that are gone, but live on in the lives of the ones they left behind. I guess all I can hope for is for that to be the case with dead Jay. I would have people dance to my music, watch all my twisted tv shows and take good care of my pets. I would have them travel to my favourite places and go to yoga class religiously. I would have them laugh and love, be grateful for this temporary life, and take chances. I would have myself do all those things too.
If I am gone, I will not have thrown my life away. If I go on in some way, I will be my best self. If I come back, it will be with a purposeful vengeance.
The end will come for me, and in some way, I will live on.

Blasphemy

If you are a person who knows me personally, congratulations! I have given you this link because I feel comfortable sharing the darkest and scariest of my thoughts with you (well, dark and scary to me). If you are an internet stranger, welcome! My name is Jay, and I am an almost 21-year-old female human with lots of things floating around in my brain that I would like to write down and share. Internet therapy.
Some topics I hope to cover are religion/spirituality, feminism, LGBT issues/sexuality, mental health, and maybe some more lighthearted things like music and yoga. There will be humor, revelations, blasphemy against the ideals of my upbringing, and definitely no politics.
I am thrilled to share my journey through this amazing world with you, dear internet. Much love, J :)