The end

Death is a part of life, and I haven't had as much experience with it as most people. My friend Molly (name changed for anonymity) has had her dad, her older brother, and her cousin die within the last ten years. She hasn't lived near me very much, so I haven't been able to comfort her after a death in any way other than social media posts. I'm visiting her now, and she and her mom talk about their absent family often. I feel as if I've been spending time with the whole family, not just the ones who are physically present. It's a very special feeling, and it makes me sad.
I was brought up with the belief of heaven, a place where you will never cry again, a place where a perfect God resides. As a child, I was disturbed by the idea that this place would never end, that a perfect afterlife version of myself would live in this happy world forever. No end to me, and certainly no end to that God.
Nowadays I don't follow that God; I'm not sure who I follow, and I've been confronting a fear of death since I became heathen and freethinking. If I don't go to heaven, do I end? If I don't go to heaven, do I burn in the hell of some condemning God? If I don't go to heaven, do I come back to Earth, or begin another life elsewhere? I don't want to end, or burn, or come back. I want to go somewhere else. Another life in another place, but what are the chances?
Realistically, I believe that human beings gone are gone in spirit from the entire cosmos. It doesn't make sense for us to go on, but I want to. This desire probably stems from a lack of fulfilment in my life so far. I am chasing the life I want to live, the life I live in my mind. Maybe when I find it, I'll be alright with being gone when I die. It's not rational to be afraid of what will happen after my death, but I think it is rational to fear that I'll die before I accomplish what I hope to, and make my mark on the world.
Lately, I've been looking at all the photos in this house of men that are gone, but live on in the lives of the ones they left behind. I guess all I can hope for is for that to be the case with dead Jay. I would have people dance to my music, watch all my twisted tv shows and take good care of my pets. I would have them travel to my favourite places and go to yoga class religiously. I would have them laugh and love, be grateful for this temporary life, and take chances. I would have myself do all those things too.
If I am gone, I will not have thrown my life away. If I go on in some way, I will be my best self. If I come back, it will be with a purposeful vengeance.
The end will come for me, and in some way, I will live on.