Labels

Alright, so I need to talk about a mildly controversial thing. In the land of unconventional sexuality, it is expected that an individual choose to identify with a certain term for their orientation. "Are you a lesbian? Or are you bi?" I have no issue with all of these terms, but I've become aware of their lack of importance in people's lives.
When I was in the process of discovering and accepting my own sexuality, I was confused because I had always been attracted to men, but it seemed I was also attracted to women. I wasn't a lesbian, because lesbians only like women, but I wasn't straight. I was something else, and after some research on the internet I determined that I was bisexual. It made sense, and I was able to focus my energy on accepting who I was.
Fast forward to this last year, and I am spending a lot of time exploring the different places on the spectrum of sexual and gender possibility. I encounter Io Tillett Wright, a person with two x chromosomes who identifies as a man and loves women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PhEppdwArA (hands down would marry in a heartbeat). I encounter a phenomenon called pansexuality: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv5k9w6Hpi4 (Laci, I will write a Why I Love post about you, I promise). I begin to think that maybe pansexuality describes my attractions better, since I am attracted to butch girls, feminine girls, feminine men, masculine men, trangender people, genderqueer people, and the list goes on. Technically, bisexual means attraction to men and women, and that only covers part of my situation. So am I pansexual? Probably.
At this point, I don't really care about my personal "label." If I had to choose one, I would go with queer, because it's open-ended and I'm rather a fan of reclaiming a negative term, but if you tell someone you're queer, they interrogate you about what exactly you're into. Men? Women? Are you talking about your gender? I met someone at the pride parade who told me she didn't use a label to describe her sexuality, and I decided that at the end of the day, I think all that matters is that we are free to love who we want. I love being unconventional, and I think people are beautiful. Let's all just stop making a fuss about it, ok?

Why I Love: Jenna Mourey

I was introduced to Jenna Mourey/Marbles in high school by a close friend, and at the time I wasn't very open minded. Her videos' content would have been viewed as extremely inappropriate by my parents, so I didn't find her to be funny at all, though my friend clearly did. I'm sad to say that I was appalled by her swearing and sexual innuendos.
Fast forward a few years, and I am discovering youtube and what it has to offer to me as I try to escape my sheltered childhood. I remember Jenna and decide to look her up. In the next year, I spent a large chunk of my free time laughing at her antics and expanding my knowledge of life outside my box. I learned many wonderful things, like how people enjoy having sex, and how life goes on if you use the word "fuck." These may not seem like significant revelations, but to Jay a few years ago, they meant the world, and her brand of humor was exactly what I needed to help me through my depression that year.
Another thing I adore about Jenna is that she is the weirdest of weird, and displays this to the entire world. Exhibits A https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swsEvb2yytU and B https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1QOAd6o0C0 should demonstrate that quite adequately, and there are many more where those came from. I certainly haven't enjoyed all of her videos, but she is so incredibly authentic in her unique Jenna way, and as someone who has been made to feel ashamed about my weirdness in the past, I will always be inspired by her willingness to put it all out there and make people laugh. I know that I'm not the only one to be grateful for her "internet friendship."
Jenna Mourey, this is why I love you.
Another one for the road: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tifYM5WFyhA

The gayest time of my life

By gay, I do mean happy, but I also mean super queer, men in heels, rainbows everywhere G-A-Y. You guessed it: yesterday was San Diego Pride. I went in feeling excited, but not nearly excited enough. I had a glorious, wonderful day full of new experiences and people. Here are a few of the highlights for your reading pleasure.
Happy gay thing number one: everyone was like me! Well, obviously there were a lot of straight allies there as well, but everyone accepted me, and they didn't bat an eye at the mostly naked men shaking what their mamas gave them or the same-sex couples kissing everywhere. They were all truly my people, and I felt like I belonged. So many of them shared their own journeys with me and welcomed me with crazy, sometimes drunken, love. It was very emotional, and I cried tears of joy. 
Happy gay thing number two: GIRLS. I went to my first women's bar, and kissed my first girls (and yeah, I liked it). I danced for hours with a bunch of women who love women, and I couldn't believe how free I felt, since the dancing was mostly sexy sexual grinding. I felt out of place at first, but then I told myself, hell yeah. This is me, this is Jay with a drink in her hand and a cute girl getting all up on her on the dance floor. It isn't something I'd do often, but hey, that girl asked for my number, and I really liked her. Even if nothing comes of it, I am so glad I let go last night, and did what I wanted.
Happy gay thing number three: It will only get better for me as I put the B in LGBTQ+. I feel so safe being myself here, and I know there are so many more Pride events to come. I am a part of a family I never knew, and now that I have met them, my elation and gratitude are overflowing.
I am proud to be a bisexual woman.

Why I Love: Emma Watson

I think that when most people think of Emma Watson, they think "hot," "Harry Potter," and perhaps "talented actress." Hermione is wonderful, and, yes, Emma is gorgeous and gifted, but she has done so much good for the world in the last few years, and I think some people still mostly see her as a sex symbol. I would like to remind them that her speech at the UN for her He for She campaign was mind blowing (here's the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkjW9PZBRfk, if you had forgotten) and her dedication to creating change for women is so inspiring to me. Her social media feed is packed with positivity and drive for global development, so give the lady a follow!

Most recently, Emma has started an online feminist book club, full of memoirs and fiction, new and old tales about making it in this world as a woman. Check it out here: https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/179584-emma-s-book-club---our-shared-shelf. Literature is even more alluring when paired with equality, empowerment, and Emma. I love how she is inspiring people from all walks of life to delve into the infinite world of words, and encouraging many minds to open to possibility. I hope that someday my own novel will end up in her hands. 
Most importantly, Emma spreads awareness of awful things happening to people that we in the sheltered Western world sometimes don't hear about, or maybe choose to ignore. I have always felt the need to help people in third world countries, and people in my own country who struggle, but I have never known how to go about it on a larger scale. Emma has access to a larger scale: us! She has a powerful position in the world as a celebrity, so she speaks eloquently and opens our eyes to a world we can make better.
Emma Watson, this is why I love you.

Series: Why I Love

Hey internet. I have arrived in California, and I am overjoyed. All the stress I was feeling is mostly gone, and I am so excited to be in this gorgeous place so close to the ocean. Now that the freaking out  is over, I am ready to start a new chapter in my blog! (I also have a new phone named Lakshmi.)
Okay, so all bloggers have to have a thing, right? A unique topic type thing. I plan on continuing with my random blurb deal, as I rather enjoy it, but I have also thought of a series of sorts to write regularly ish. I call it Why I Love, and basically I'm going to talk about why I love different celebrities.
I'm not into the whole celebrity gossip fascination, as it is very judgmental and negative, so I am going to say nice things about famous people. Only ones that deserve it, though, there will be no Kardashian endorsement or shallow fangirling over attractive people. The people I'll be writing about have inspired me and made the world a better place. They have used their fame to do great things, and I love them for it. Stay tuned!
Sending lots of California waves of golden sunshine,
Jay

(Kind of) agnostic

I haven't been to church in years, and each day I think I grow more and more free. Spiritual exploration has been wonderful for me, though I've come to few conclusions about what I now believe, and I'm satisfied with what I feel I can say for certain.  

Firstly, I have realized that, in this lifetime, I will never have definitive knowledge of what does or does not exist in this universe. I will never know if there are deities or spirits, or an energy source that unites all living things. I would certainly like to know, but I'm human and part of that condition is to be in the dark, and simply believe in what I feel is true. 

Because we can never know if what we see is all that exists, I think that atheism, secularism, and humanism are the most logical belief systems. That being said, I don't think I will ever stop playing with different ideas and religions and possibilities in my mind. It's in my personal nature to seek spiritual understanding and connection, and regardless of what is real and true, I will maintain belief in what brings me comfort. I believe that I am more than flesh and atoms and chromosomes, and I believe that there is something sacred and powerful out there that I hope I will come to know one day, in another life. 

When people ask what my religious beliefs are, I say that I am agnostic, that I don't know. It's true, but it's not the whole picture. It's a massive painting for me, and I will keep painting it until the end of my days. 

A rejected belief

Since I left Christianity, I have read up on many belief systems that I have found interesting, including Hinduism, Wicca, and atheism. Up until recently I thought I had covered all my bases, but then I remembered that I had never considered researching Islam. I suppose I had reason not to explore it, since I knew it was similar to Christianity (monotheistic, oppressive, and then there's ISIS), but the thing is, I am fascinated with Judaism. God with no son! How does that work? But then isn't Islam like that? Jesus isn't their savior, but they all have the same god.   

So, after a marvellous discussion about the three faiths with a close friend, I downloaded The Holy Quran app and have read a small portion each day since. It has been riveting, though I wish I could read the Arabic text to see what was lost in translation. So much has probably been lost in the translation of the Torah and the Bible over the years. Such widespread belief of ancient texts, and no original copies, silly religious culture. 

The Quran has a strongly Biblical tone. Same god, same prophets, same promise of heaven and hell. It's so freeing to read a text that no one in my life follows, that few people from my background likely have read. I don't believe any of it to be true, but strangely, it has struck me as being holy, somehow. I suppose all religious texts are, because that is what people believe them to be. We create what gives us comfort, and build our lives upon it.