(Kind of) agnostic

I haven't been to church in years, and each day I think I grow more and more free. Spiritual exploration has been wonderful for me, though I've come to few conclusions about what I now believe, and I'm satisfied with what I feel I can say for certain.  

Firstly, I have realized that, in this lifetime, I will never have definitive knowledge of what does or does not exist in this universe. I will never know if there are deities or spirits, or an energy source that unites all living things. I would certainly like to know, but I'm human and part of that condition is to be in the dark, and simply believe in what I feel is true. 

Because we can never know if what we see is all that exists, I think that atheism, secularism, and humanism are the most logical belief systems. That being said, I don't think I will ever stop playing with different ideas and religions and possibilities in my mind. It's in my personal nature to seek spiritual understanding and connection, and regardless of what is real and true, I will maintain belief in what brings me comfort. I believe that I am more than flesh and atoms and chromosomes, and I believe that there is something sacred and powerful out there that I hope I will come to know one day, in another life. 

When people ask what my religious beliefs are, I say that I am agnostic, that I don't know. It's true, but it's not the whole picture. It's a massive painting for me, and I will keep painting it until the end of my days. 

A rejected belief

Since I left Christianity, I have read up on many belief systems that I have found interesting, including Hinduism, Wicca, and atheism. Up until recently I thought I had covered all my bases, but then I remembered that I had never considered researching Islam. I suppose I had reason not to explore it, since I knew it was similar to Christianity (monotheistic, oppressive, and then there's ISIS), but the thing is, I am fascinated with Judaism. God with no son! How does that work? But then isn't Islam like that? Jesus isn't their savior, but they all have the same god.   

So, after a marvellous discussion about the three faiths with a close friend, I downloaded The Holy Quran app and have read a small portion each day since. It has been riveting, though I wish I could read the Arabic text to see what was lost in translation. So much has probably been lost in the translation of the Torah and the Bible over the years. Such widespread belief of ancient texts, and no original copies, silly religious culture. 

The Quran has a strongly Biblical tone. Same god, same prophets, same promise of heaven and hell. It's so freeing to read a text that no one in my life follows, that few people from my background likely have read. I don't believe any of it to be true, but strangely, it has struck me as being holy, somehow. I suppose all religious texts are, because that is what people believe them to be. We create what gives us comfort, and build our lives upon it.

A certain assumption

Recently, it has become apparent to me that I am expected, on some level, to have children. My parents have referenced their future grandchildren, and various women in my life keep saying things like, "just wait til you have children." Not if, when.
When I was little, I always thought I'd be a mom and have all these children to look after, so I never imagined having a career. In my mind, future Jay was a stay-at-home mom, and very happy. And then I started babysitting for various families, and it was not my cup of tea. Children are terrors til they get to be eight or nine, I have discovered. I love spending time with my younger cousins, but being solely responsible for a child for eighteen years is a terrifying and less than ideal situation for myself, I have decided.
But the thing is, people will keep making the assumption. I just refuted one woman's comment over dinner, and things got very quiet afterwards. It's not an entirely welcome concept to most people, I feel. What does a woman do without children? Well, I'm going to keep taking my birth control pills (or pregnancy repellent, as I call them) and do whatever the hell I want to do with my life. If future Jay wants a baby, she can go for it. But present Jay is saying no to motherhood and being vocal about it. Because feminism. So there.

The end again

Hundreds of people died in an earthquake in Ecuador the other day. I never liked hearing about those events on the news. They are all dead and we are vaguely sad in our safer corners of the world. It got me thinking, as things do. I thought to myself, self, why is it more sad when people die in bulk? People are dying around the world every second, but I don't hear about them, so I don't mourn them. Their deaths may be tragic, unthinkable, but they don't make global news because it's just one person. One little girl dying of cancer. Children split up and put into foster care when their single mother dies of a drug overdose. We know these things happen, but we are never given these people's names or stories. 

We hear about murder, which is a pretty bad way to go, but it makes sense that those deaths would make the news. Murder means someone is at fault. We want to see the killer brought to justice. When there is no killer, there is no justice. Some people find a spiritual explanation, but I have none. People live, and thrive, then age, then die. Sometimes they skip the middle steps. Some lives are short, too short, but nothing can be done. Anyone can die. 

When people die all at once, I'll hear about it and I will say goodbye in my own way, though I didn't know them. I think I should start saying a daily universal goodbye to the newly dead, to be fair. The world will miss them too.

The end

Death is a part of life, and I haven't had as much experience with it as most people. My friend Molly (name changed for anonymity) has had her dad, her older brother, and her cousin die within the last ten years. She hasn't lived near me very much, so I haven't been able to comfort her after a death in any way other than social media posts. I'm visiting her now, and she and her mom talk about their absent family often. I feel as if I've been spending time with the whole family, not just the ones who are physically present. It's a very special feeling, and it makes me sad.
I was brought up with the belief of heaven, a place where you will never cry again, a place where a perfect God resides. As a child, I was disturbed by the idea that this place would never end, that a perfect afterlife version of myself would live in this happy world forever. No end to me, and certainly no end to that God.
Nowadays I don't follow that God; I'm not sure who I follow, and I've been confronting a fear of death since I became heathen and freethinking. If I don't go to heaven, do I end? If I don't go to heaven, do I burn in the hell of some condemning God? If I don't go to heaven, do I come back to Earth, or begin another life elsewhere? I don't want to end, or burn, or come back. I want to go somewhere else. Another life in another place, but what are the chances?
Realistically, I believe that human beings gone are gone in spirit from the entire cosmos. It doesn't make sense for us to go on, but I want to. This desire probably stems from a lack of fulfilment in my life so far. I am chasing the life I want to live, the life I live in my mind. Maybe when I find it, I'll be alright with being gone when I die. It's not rational to be afraid of what will happen after my death, but I think it is rational to fear that I'll die before I accomplish what I hope to, and make my mark on the world.
Lately, I've been looking at all the photos in this house of men that are gone, but live on in the lives of the ones they left behind. I guess all I can hope for is for that to be the case with dead Jay. I would have people dance to my music, watch all my twisted tv shows and take good care of my pets. I would have them travel to my favourite places and go to yoga class religiously. I would have them laugh and love, be grateful for this temporary life, and take chances. I would have myself do all those things too.
If I am gone, I will not have thrown my life away. If I go on in some way, I will be my best self. If I come back, it will be with a purposeful vengeance.
The end will come for me, and in some way, I will live on.

Blasphemy

If you are a person who knows me personally, congratulations! I have given you this link because I feel comfortable sharing the darkest and scariest of my thoughts with you (well, dark and scary to me). If you are an internet stranger, welcome! My name is Jay, and I am an almost 21-year-old female human with lots of things floating around in my brain that I would like to write down and share. Internet therapy.
Some topics I hope to cover are religion/spirituality, feminism, LGBT issues/sexuality, mental health, and maybe some more lighthearted things like music and yoga. There will be humor, revelations, blasphemy against the ideals of my upbringing, and definitely no politics.
I am thrilled to share my journey through this amazing world with you, dear internet. Much love, J :)